


Alcoholic Hearts

by RemusWantsToBattle



Series: The Umbrella Academy Collection [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, And Five Joins In, Apocalypse Prevented, Competition, Double Drabble, Drunkenness, Gen, Klaus is already drunk, Rivalry, The Handler offers alcohol, and Five accepts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 22:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18270434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemusWantsToBattle/pseuds/RemusWantsToBattle
Summary: Five had his first true drink of alcohol a little after he turned 14. It had been in a fridge that had long since been destroyed, half melted and mangled but with a bottle of cheap vodka.After that, alcohol had really just become a staple of his diet. And sure, most people might call him an alcoholic.They’d be right, cause why else would he have agreed to see his enemy that he was sure hated his guts right now if he wasn’t- she was offering shots.----Five was a little more than buzzed when he saw Klaus, the taller himself sipping at a shot.Five felt immediate interest, the need for at least one swelling up. He moved to stand in front of Klaus, noticing the slight look of surprise on Klaus’s face.“Oh, hey Five.” Klaus sighed. “Did you want one?”





	1. The Handler

**Author's Note:**

> Small drabbles I wrote cause of a prompt on Tumblr <3

Five had his first true drink of alcohol a little after he turned 14. It had been in a fridge that had long since been destroyed, half melted and mangled but with a bottle of cheap vodka.

After that, alcohol had really just become a staple of his diet. And sure, most people might call him an alcoholic.

They’d be right, cause why else would he have agreed to see his enemy that he was sure hated his guts right now if he wasn’t- she was offering shots.

And after being cut off by his siblings because his body was 13, he could  _die_ … Yeah, he was going to have to go for alternatives.

Five had a shot glass in his little hand, staring at the Handler, still wary but in need of the drinks. He took the shot, and watched her do the same.

“You know Five, I didn’t expect you to actually agree to meet me.”  


“Bullshit.”  


The Handler didn’t look taken aback however, just amused by Five’s response. Five knew her game, and knew she probably knew he was cut off at home.

Sure, he could sneak away and do it anyways, but this was easier. Maybe.

“I see you think you’ve won.”  


“I have.”  


Five’s shutting her every sentence down, but she doesn’t look annoyed. Yet? Maybe she wouldn’t be at all. Five downed another shot and watched her do the same.

Five rubbed his face as his cheeks took on a slight pink from the alcohol, and looked very unhappy when the Handler seems perfectly fine. Stupid body. He wasn’t a lightweight usually.

“You’re clever, I’ll give you that. And this is definitely a problem. But the apocalypse will happen one day, and everyone will die- including you this time.”  


Five scoffed as he took another shot. The woman in front of him took the sign as an end to the conversation, and this wasn’t a fight they needed, or really anything big.

No, it was just getting drunk with her largest rival.

Or. Smallest, in fact.

Five took another shot, giving a small drunken noise.

The Handler’s lips curled upwards a little. “Maybe you should get home, you seem to be drunk already.” She teased, smiling a little wider at Five’s scoff.

“I’m not drunk already.” He protested, playing with another shot glass in his hands.  


“Well, if you get any more drunk, you might have to be carried home.”  


That was enough to spur Five to put the shot down and stand up. “I should get going.”  


The Handler let out an amused noise and nodded. “I’ll see you around, Five. Next time might not be as nice as this.”

Five scoffed, staring at her with hard eyes, before he turned to leave.

Why did he even come here.

Well, because he was an alcoholic, of course.


	2. Klaus Hargreeves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blep this one had the same exact prompt just with a different person so I put them both together <3

Five was a little more than buzzed when he saw Klaus, the taller himself sipping at a shot.

Five felt immediate interest, the need for at least one swelling up. He moved to stand in front of Klaus, noticing the slight look of surprise on Klaus’s face.

“Oh, hey Five.” Klaus sighed. “Did you want one?”  


Five didn’t have time to wonder why Klaus was offering him one- maybe because neither were supposed to be doing anything like this, and since Five caught Klaus, Five got to do bad too?

Whatever the reason, Five nodded, grabbed a shot, and downed it.

Klaus gave a tired chuckle. “Well, now we’re both unhealthy.” 

Five gave a noise, rolling his eyes a bit before he let himself relax. This was Klaus, and he was safe. And he might not remember how to talk to other people very well, but he was trying.

Klaus gave a small smile to his sibling, tipping a shot glass toward him a little splashing the table before downing it. He gave a small cough. “Yum.”

Five snorted. “I bet I could do more than you.”

Klaus’s eyebrows raised, mouth in a small o before he grinned. “You’re on, short stack.”

Five grunted and squinted, before making himself another. “How many did you have before?”

“Like... Dunno... 5 or somethin?”  


Five raised a brow, before shrugging and starting to pour ten shots, after pulling out as many shot glasses as he could find.

He pushed five to Klaus and five to himself, picking one up.

“Ready?”  


Klaus grunted and grabbed one of his own. “Yeah.”

“How quick we take them, or just how many?” Five asked, wanting to clarify.  


Klaus shrugged, before grinning. “Both, yeah.”

And with that, they were both throwing a shot down their throats.

They were practically neck and neck, Five finishing his last shot a couple seconds before Klaus and already repouring their five.

Klaus’s hand twitched a bit as he waited for Five to finish pouring, before Five gave a noise when Klaus had already brought the shot to his lips and downed it when Five had just put down the bottle.

“Hey- Cheater-”  


“That’s for you teleporting up the stairs in races.” Klaus slurred a little, and Five huffed before going back to his shots.  


It didn’t matter who won that night, because both ended up laying on the floor and falling asleep behind the bar that night, set to wake up with a wicked hangover.

But they had bonded, and maybe in the most unhealthy way possible, but bonded nonetheless.

So what if their siblings wished they could put Five in alcoholics anonymous?

It was a night neither would forget.

...

Except they pretty much both forgot the end.

Maybe getting blackout drunk was a bad idea.

Oh well.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, been trying to get out more Umbrella Academy stuff lol


End file.
